McCain's Fantasy

I walked around all weekend with a bounce to my step and woke this morning with a song in my heart.  I attribute my good cheer to the speech John McCain gave Thursday in Columbus, Ohio.  Did you see it?  If not, you really should read it in its entirety.  He painted a picture of where America would be at the end of his first term as president. 

It's a long speech.  Not long like a Bill Clinton State of the Union address -- more like a Chronicles of Narnia type of long.  Or like the director's cut of The Lord of the Rings boxed set.  Basically, it's the public policy version of fantasy literature, without the Christian overtones.

In McCain's vision of 2013, Iraq is a functioning democracy whose militias have been disbanded and the government has imposed its beneficent authority in all provinces.  Pakistan has partnered vigorously with us to capture and/or kill Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda has been reduced to a leaderless rabble with no place to call home.  Although the U.N. Security Council proved incapable of ending the genocide in Darfur, the nascent League of Democracies has stepped in and, through stiff economic measures, persuaded the Sudanese government and their janjaweed thugs to halt their ethnic cleansing of the country's tribal  farmers.  More concerted action by the world's democracies has convinced China and Russia to persuade Iran and North Korea to abandon their nuclear programs.  Our Army and Marine Corps are bigger and better than ever.  The world food crisis has ended.  Global cooling has begun.  And Congress no longer attaches earmarks to appropriations bills after a stern veto or two by President McCain.

Well.  Like McCain, I am a big believer in positive thinking so I've compiled my own modest list of where I hope/expect to be by the end of his first term:  

I have two books on the New York Times bestseller list (the fifth and sixth so honored during term #1).  Four of those will have been made into major motion pictures with both a best picture Oscar and a best adaptation (also done by me) Oscar to show for it.  

To the astonishment of the orthopedic community, the meniscus in my knee has regenerated itself and I am able to dunk a basketball at the age of 53.  I run five miles a day and my spacious, walk-in closet is filled with 32-inch waist slacks of the smoothest cotton/poly blend that rarely wrinkles.

My wife and I have adopted two children, they've matured remarkably quickly and cost-effectively, and are both heading this fall for Ivy League schools on full rides, leaving us, no doubt, a bit lonely but eagerly anticipating quality time with each other once again after these last four chaotic but joyous years.

Gas is $11 a gallon even though the Lieberman-Vitter Right-to-Drive bill (which requires anyone attempting to buy gas on Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other Saturday to present the station attendant with their National I.D. card) has been in effect for almost a year now, but we don't drive much.  We spend most of the year at our beach house in Southampton and I can ride my bicycle to the Shinnecock Hills Golf Club which I joined after winning the National Book Award and they relaxed their dress code to allow flip-flops in the lounge.  I play to a 3-handicap and rarely visit the driving range to practice.

I've had my iPhone implanted directly into my head.  And, thanks to the partnership between Apple and NIH, I can now download mp3 files directly to my brain so I no longer have to listen to music -- I can just remember it by blinking my eyes.  I don't even recall what it felt like to wear earplugs.

I've attained fluency in Italian solely through listening to self-improvement Podcasts on my computer and I can play some of the easier Goldberg Variations on the keyboard I purchased last year at Sharper Image, thanks also to self-helpful pamphlets that came included with the packing materials.  

Money's not much of an issue, to be honest with you.  I'm really raking it in and I'm incorporated, of course.  Thanks to the Bush-McCain tax cuts, I actually pay less in total taxes now than when I was scraping to get by as a freelancer in 2008.  Boy, was I wrong about those tax cuts.

So, there you have it.  My McCain-inspired list of positive projections for the relatively near future.  Like Senator McCain, while I intend to make my dreams reality, I cannot guarantee I will achieve them all.  But I like my odds of success against his.  I put my list down beside his speech to compare the two.  If I was the type to judge, I'd say his was the more delusional.